I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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