So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.