And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
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To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
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My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.