As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.