we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
