Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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