I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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