friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
