The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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