Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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