Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
