You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Randomize
