Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
