Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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