K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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