the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Randomize
