just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Pants are for mortals
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
