I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
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