he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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