Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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