Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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