My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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