The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
