you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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