True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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