I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
