he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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