haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
