She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
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he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
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she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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