Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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