Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
