alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
