Im at strip club and am horny
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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