I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
