clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
