everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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