Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
