Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
