I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
