My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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