I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The feeling are messing with the penis
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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