I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
