Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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