At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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