if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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