He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
