I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
