I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
