I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
