and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
