I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
