This dress was meant to end up on your floor
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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