our cab driver is having phone sex.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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