i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
