i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
