So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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