she was so not down for the gang bang
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
