Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Randomize
