If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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